On Divinity.

I rarely remember my dreams, so it was bizarre that I had such a vivid one while in Iceland (last November), of all places. Perhaps it was the crisp air, or the crystal water, or the fresh music. Perhaps it was because I was surrounded by the raw elements of the earth or immersed in the minerals of the Blue Lagoon. Or perhaps it was simply the trickery of the huldufólk. Whatever or whoever it was, something triggered both my spirit and my imagination.

Jökulsárlón

*insert dream-scape jingle and filter*

It began on a tour bus, which made sense since these things were everywhere in Iceland. My bus stopped in front of a very Asian-esque, very cutesy shopping mall. Like, imagine a Sanrio-themed mall. Hello Kitty, My Melody, Badtz-Maru, etc. everywhere. Every Asian kid's dream...and apparently my dream too.

Our tour guide, a Korean woman in a dress suit and with her hair in a tight bun, welcomed us to the mall. Why a Korean woman? Good question.

"Come, and let me show you around."

12 Steps to Change.

Though the program is not unique to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the 12 Step Program is a testament to the healing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, as seen in the lives of those in this series published by Mormon Channel (embedded below). People can conquer and change through Christ.

The wonderful thing about the program is that it is not only applicable to those with addiction. Anyone wanting to change for the better through the atonement of Christ will find this program rewarding. It will only build us up as individuals and bring us closer to our Savior.

Through the healing, enabling, redeeming power of atonement in my own life, I've found peace in pain, forgiveness in sin, and so much more goodness. I invite anyone who may be struggling with anything—addiction, sorrow, sin, loneliness, pain—to turn to Christ, for His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He will bear the burdens of life with us.

 

More from Mormon Channel.

Untitled.

Written 5/29/14 for Neighborhood Watch, local podcast

So I was asked to write a thing for this thing, but the thing is, I haven't written in a while because it takes feeling and emotion for me to write and I haven't felt in so long. I've found each waking moment is filled with an emptiness that frightens me. Each motion I go through is void of emotion. Every tear I shed has no reason. And when I meet smiling faces in the hallway, part of me just wants to walk past them with my chin resting on my chest.

But it’s easier to meet them with a smile. And that’s why you don’t know.

You don’t know that every now and then, when I'm pensive, I take a solitary midnight bike ride to a parking lot with street lamps burnt out like me. Sometimes the asphalt hurts to sit on. Sometime a drunk stumbles across. But here, no one sees me. No different than during the day anyway, and it's how I like it too. No one is around to hear my attempts to feel, my dry sobs and my desperate pleadings with God.

But there's another façade, that I don't need Him and that I don’t need you. In reality, I wouldn't mind if someone sat with me and listened. Not necessarily just to me. I wouldn't mind if someone sat and listened to the rustling of the summer wind through the leaves of the trees above me, above us, unchained from time and obligations. There is a beauty in silence and in removing yourself from the world.

In that silence, I wouldn't mind if you asked me how I was and waited on me until I told you how far I am from "doing good." I wish you'd do that instead of run off with your studies, your pills, your work, or your lovers. Maybe you'd know how much I am also struggling if you stayed up with me a while. 

They say that man is not meant to be alone. But here I am, in the middle of an empty lot. Even the drunk has his alcohol to warm his heart. And I'm just shivering from the cold in mine. Shivering from the suppressed emotions of my present. And I'm afraid I've forgotten how to release them, because writing was how I did that.

And now you’re reading this. I'm afraid they'll only get worse…my lack of words, my emptiness.

So I’m here again, on a midnight bike ride, shivering, pleading, writing, waiting in a parking lot with street lamps burnt out like me, trying to figure out how to light up again.

Snapchat Stories—Season 1.

My friends are great. They support/tolerate my bizarre ideas, even when it puts them in interesting situations.

This is one of those situations, starring the stunning Camille. (She doesn't even get a last name—she's just that amazing. The Camille.)

If you were my Snapchat friend from, like, the beginning of last summer till about Halloween time, you've seen these. Feel free to relive them, if you so wish.

To those who haven't seen them, episode 3 got the most, um, disturbed responses out of season (aptly named "Murder"). Consider this your only warning.

Guys, I'm twisted...

Hi, I made a playlist for you.

Panda Bear. (Aside (already?): For some reason, I so badly want to compare him to Sin Fang. They're similar, but very different in other ways. I don't know. I feel like I'm setting myself up to talk more about this, but I really haven't put more thought into it beyond that.) In my opinion, Panda Bear translates better recorded, but when I experienced Sin Fang in Iceland (hey, I should write about Iceland on this here blog), I was mesmerized by everything that was happening on stage and in my ears.

"Boys Latin" has the same effect on me. The music video, while bizarre and frightening at first, is incredibly beautiful. I have to admit, it brought me to tears.

Life is full of hard things, but as human beings learning to connect in an increasingly disconnected world, part of overcoming the murky times is helping people currently in the same situation you were in. Sometimes that means helping them to accept their circumstances, just as you have.

Plug for Panda Bear's Panda Bear Meets The Grim Reaper.

Moving on to the actual topic of this post.

It's a new year.

Do you remember when this blog used to be clever and fun, and not saturated with depressing issues I have?

Yeah, I almost forgot too.

Here's to a new year.

I hope you're ready. I'm bringing back my blog.

Eternal Sadness.

It's been real bummy lately.

I'm crying for no reason.

And even when there seems to be a reason,

it seems trivial 

because,

at the root of it,

there is actually no reason at all.

Huggity Hug Hug.

I've been having a bummy time lately with feelings of not living up to my potential and blah blah blah, and how my laziness and fear of change keeps me from doing anything about it. I also feel that since graduating, I've become socially dumber, seeing as how I don't really talk to people throughout the 9 hour workday. Oftentimes, I go straight home and I sit in more silence. Day after day, week after week, I started feeling more and more isolated from everyone. I told my younger sister Illia this in an email. (She's currently serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.)

I wrote:

Apparently, one of the ingredients to happiness or fulfillment or whatever is 11 positive touches a day. Some days, I don't even get one. I know Heavenly Father is there and that Christ understands what I've been through, but I don't like this feeling at all. It was kind of like in June when I was feeling like extra sad because Po Po passed away. I cried in front of my friend, but she patted my back and then she left for three days. I was in my apartment alone, grieving alone. And now I'm just feeling alone, though my friends are all around me. Part of me wants to move away and part of me wants to stay because it's comfortable here. But I know I won't progress anymore.  

I got a letter from Illia today. It was three pages long, front and back. Along the margins, every point or thought she had, she numbered them up to 10.

I thought she was just super organized or something.

At the end of the letter, though, she wrote:

So, I'm sure you noticed all the numbers in dis letter. You said that one of the ingredients to happiness is 11 positive touches a day. So I've provided you with 10 for today. Now go and look for that 11th positive touch.

And even thought I got that number not necessarily right (family therapist Virginia Satir says, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”), the fact that Illia did that means so much to me. She did something for me and she's not even a phone call away.

I'm sorry I'm being selfish and all "Woe is me!" on you. That's the thing. I'm surrounded by people who care about me, but...I don't know. I don't know what I am feeling. I'm still processing feelings. I'm sorry.

(I took a personality test yesterday and it all boiled down to me being the ultimate contradiction. I don't trust people, but I am loyal to those who've gained my trust, even through the point where the relationship is destructive. I value security, but I am very insecure. etc. etc. It also said that it takes me a while to pinpoint my emotions...so...give me time ha.)

All I know is that sadness and loneliness runs rampant these days. But if we can at least make people feel ok in the moment with just a hug, why don't we do just that?

*insert conclusion that ties thoughts all together here.*

Hugs and One Direction will make things better, I feel. 

 

UPDATE—Oct 12

Tender mercies, man. God hears and answers our prayers. He is there to comfort us. I'm silly to have been mopey. Today in Church, I had friends skip their ward to come listen to my lesson in Relief Society. One great friend linked arms with me randomly during Sunday School, and it was as if God was saying, "Hey, you've got good people here who care." And I fell asleep to the sound of good friends singing along to "Muppet Treasure Island." Count your blessings, Eden.

This.

mhmm.

i've nothing to say.

Chat adventures.

Sometimes a chat conversation at work gets...dramatic.

Space Adventure with Wes and Eden

Wes: r u excited about your space adventure tomorrow?

Eden: i am very excited!!!!!
           are you excited to pew pew aliens and enemy spacecraft?

W: yah
      also nervous
      what if i fail at my job?
      and the mission explodes...
      *console me*

E: we picked you because you are a capable, strong man.
     you scored the highest at the academy and we wouldn't allow anyone but the best

W: but i also scored highest in eccentricity and insecurity
      the scores don't lie eden
      ill never be normal/confident enough to lead a mission
      no matter how wise and mysterious of a mentor you are
      *sob*

E:  that only means you're teachable, young one
      as we accomplish smaller missions, your confidence will grow
      and in several years, you will be the captain of your own space crew
      and you find a boy at the academy who was just like you and you will make him a man like i will make you

Joy of Heaven.

In response to a month of sadness, my dad wrote:

[ . . . ] One thing that I want you to know, and that is, we must not underestimate the joy of heaven. Consider 3rd Nephi. In Chapter 10, upon the annihilation of the wicked Nephites, Christ was lamenting their destruction and loss. Indeed, great was His loss, as He had to send so many of them to their eternal damnation. And yet, atmost 3 days later, in Chapter 17:20, after seeing the righteousness of the survivors, and praying to the Father, He told the righteous Nephites, that His joy was full. How is that possible? The destruction of so many souls that He loved and died for happened so recently. How can He be joyful, not to mention, fully joyful, again just a few chapters later?

The answer, Eden, I think is that hell, with all its fury and sadness, is infinitely small compared to heaven. Hell has no power to deprive Heaven of its Joy!

Den, though hell is a sad place, and we’re experiencing some of it, let not your heart be set on it sadness. Let your heart instead be set on the Joy of Heaven! [ . . . ]

This is a gospel of truth with a plan of happiness. Christ lives, He loves us and He will never leave us alone.